One of the hardest things to do as a parent is stick to your guns when it’s inconvenient or causes emotional conflict. Let me tell you a story.
My son and I were at Home Depot on Sunday. He asked to buy a pack of gum. Normally this would be, “Sure, no problem. Here’s your debit card.”
However, his bank account is running low, as in not enough to pay for a pack of gum.
As you know by now, our kids can spend money on things they want, as long as they have funds in their spending account.
We have been teaching them that they must make trade-off decisions with their spending money because our spending money is not their spending money.
He knew he was running low, because he had bought a five-dollar in-game purchase a couple of days ago, which he “really really really really really really really needed to have.” Again this weekend he, “really really really really really really really needed to have” that pack of gum. Sound familiar?
My son tried several creative negotiation tactics.
First, he asked me to loan him the money. I said no, we’re not doing loans, especially for something like gum*.
Now in the same visit to Home Depot, he priced out push lawnmowers and found one on sale for $329 plus tax. He asked if his dad and I would front him the money so he could start a lawnmowing business, and then pay us back.
A lawnmower is the type of purchase I would consider making a loan on. We’d loan him the money, write out a promissory note, create a repayment schedule, and require him to stick to the terms of the contract he’d sign. It’s a fabulous way to practice the whole lending activity – getting accustomed to being a borrower when the actual stakes are quite low.
Practice is the key to raising money-smart kids.
However, gum is not something worth underwriting. It is an unsecured depleting asset, and honestly, it would have been forgotten about [by him] within about five minutes of the purchase. The request for a loan was a hard no.
Next, he asked if he could get an advance on his Monday allowance payment. This also was a no. We wish to avoid getting him accustomed to payday loans and other advances where he spends money before he has the money. We talk frequently; You cannot spend money that you do not have, as a general best practice.
His third approach was to do a quick gig for pay. “Why don’t you buy it, hold onto it, and when we get home, I will do that shredding job that you asked me to.” I told him I would not buy the gum for him. He’s just as likely to change his mind as to actually go through with the job. I had no interest in getting into another argument later about him needing to do the work.
Part of it is about building trust, but again it goes back to don’t spend money that you don’t have. At this age that’s a pretty important lesson.
His fourth and final tactic was to suggest that he return some of his discretionary savings back into his spending account. I didn’t think that was a good idea, because he’s trying to save for some bigger goals. The point of a savings account is saving toward a goal, not just a holding place until you want to make an impulse purchase.
The way his Chase First Banking account is set up, once he puts money into savings, he is unable to move it back out. As the parent account I can. I did not choose to do so.
Now we were back in the car, and he was grumpy in my general direction. It felt terrible at the moment. Bigger picture - not getting the gum was the right answer. Enduring the parental suffering (despite being Mother’s Day) was the best approach because we’re keeping our eyes on the bigger prize. I had to keep reminding myself. Repeatedly.
By the time we got home, everyone was doing OK. We’d moved past our disagreement.
He was paid his weekly allowance/stipend yesterday and again gets to decide where he wishes to spend the money. He loves buying school lunches, knocking out $3.25 per day. He may or may not buy a pack of gum.
He is also saving up of his own accord to have spending money at summer camp. He has two sleepaway camps scheduled, each with the opportunity to buy stuff at their camp store. He has set a few dollars aside already, which is fantastic.
He's asked me repeatedly how much spending money he’s allowed to take to camp. I know, and he knows I know, he’ll spend it all on junk food – which we’re trying hard to curb. I also know he’s generous to a fault and will share a good amount with other campers – which we’re happy to encourage. The more relevant question is how much he’ll [delay current gratification on to] save for the trips. Stay tuned …
Key lessons:
Kids: Do not spend money you have not yet earned until and unless you can handle credit.
Parents: Stick to your guns. Even if they’re being grumpy at you. It will pass.
*Don’t misunderstand, unlike Dave Ramsey, the Lennons very much do appreciate credit and leverage. This is a topic worth exploring another time. However, this kid is not yet credit-worthy and this purchase is not lend-worthy.
Not sure how to introduce money concepts to your children? Check out this online course: Raising Wealthy Kids
Stephanie Brooke Lennon is the author of Family Bank Blueprint, GoldQuest, and What Would Water Do? Simple Strategies for Navigating Life's Obstacles. Her titles are available in Paperback and Kindle on Amazon.com. Follow Stephanie Brooke on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Twitter, Amazon, and at BrookeLennon.com.
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